What drives the desire for surrender? Interview with Mistress Raven: Inside the Mind of BDSM: Psychology, Trust, and Power in Japanese Sensual Shibari Art Bondage

Can you share a bit about your background and what led you to explore BDSM?

Regarding my education and socialising, I was brought up by conservative parents. On the other hand, they, but especially my father encouraged me to question EVERYTHING and were very open about sex; nothing was taboo at home. I didn’t really begin to question my own sexuality until I started watching my father’s porno videos…yes I am that old. My father had an international upbringing and always encouraged me to look outside of the bubble I grew up in and to experience everything life has to offer (within sensible reason).

I have been asked if I think being raped led me to BDSM. I can’t answer that question as it happened before my sexual identity and preferences had developed enough to know either way. To be honest I have always enjoyed the darker side of sexual practices. I know that I have always pushed my boundaries in all spheres of my life pushing the envelope sexually has provided so much joy, fascination, intrigue, acceptance and fun. Additionally, I had an experience when I was 26 that showed me what I was truly capable of as a human being and that societal morals, like our own, need to be flexible. This opportunity, as we shall call it was a pivotal moment in understanding that my character is dynamic and that when pushed into extraordinary events, we can adapt and surprise ourselves with what we are willing to do to and for another human being.

How has your academic background in forensic psychology shaped your perspective on BDSM and Shibari?

Studying functional analysis as part of my MSc in Forensic Psychology has given me a deeper understanding of how certain behaviours meet specific needs for each of us (and also how unhelpful/dangerous behaviours can develop). Understanding this relationship can be really helpful to understand why people enjoy specific BDSM activities. Personally, I think my psychology background means that I always look beyond the surface level of BDSM scenes and shibari practices to attempt to understand what the potential emotional, physical, psychological and social benefits for each participant, and consider what may have brought them to this community. Furthermore, I always use my training for risk assessment purposes to evaluate whether I think someone is psychologically/ holistically strong enough to engage in BDSM practices, and that during scenes everyone involved is safe.

How do trust and vulnerability help to form consensual interactions within the BDSM and shibari community?

Anyone in BDSM/Shibari community is placing themselves in a vulnerable position (e.g., being judged, or managing risks). For me trust is bidirectional and is enhanced when emotional, sexual, kinky, bdsm, and or psychological needs have been understood and there is agreement about how they will be met (consent), each person can voice any concerns, and changes can be made during the scene or relationship. In my opinion consent is intricate, fluid and is the most basic and fundamental foundation of BDSM/Shibari practice and should include:

1. Implicit and explicit understanding of each person’s role

2. Acceptance of each other’s limits (soft to hard)

3. “Relationship” boundaries

4. Established safety words,

5. Understanding of what care will look like, for example, after care cuddling.

An example of a consensual BDSM practice is when a I am inflicting pain on my predominantly

sensually submissive. Prior to any play, at a bare minimum

1. Check that he is in the right head space and tell him what I expect from him

2. Tell him what I want him to wear and any restraints that will be used

3. Confirm whether the session will be recorded etc

My sub is slowly pushing his pain limits so I safeguard that I am not going beyond his capability. Even though we have established safety words there may be times when he is unable to speak and it’s imperative that I can read his body language and know what his body can endure. It is also my responsibility to guarantee he isn’t going beyond his comfort levels in order to please me or to make me look good in front of other people. During scenes I regularly check in and l ALWAYS engage in aftercare to bring him back to a grounded place, and check in with him the following day as there is always a risk of triggering past traumas etc.

From your understanding, how do consensual BDSM practices differ from abusive behavior, and where is the line?

I think I have covered some of this in the above questions The line between consensual and abuse is narrow than a hairs width. Constant communication is essential, especially in power dynamics where the Domme has 'perceived' control over their sub.

This is especially important, when, for example, a Rigger is tying a rope bunny they do not know well or do not have a relationship with them. In these situations, it is imperative that all of the aforementioned consent and boundary conditions are met.

Abuse is when there is power imbalance and one person is disadvantage. Examples could be:

A. When the Domme takes advantage of their sub for their own pleasure and, for lack of a better term, treats the submissive as a piece of meat.

B. A sub manipulates their Dom by saying they are tired and want to go home, when in

fact they are jealous and do not want their Dom to play with another person.

C. The Domme uses videos of scenes without consent from their sub

D. A rigger ignores a rope bunny and ties them in positions beyond their capability or which is explicitly sexual and which has not been agreed upon

Abuse can happen in all “relationships” whether it is during a one-time scene, long-term partnership

or vanilla relationships.

What do you see as the key psychological motivations that draw people to BDSM and Shibari?

I think that many people enter into the BDSM and shibari community for many different reasons. I do not think it is easy or safe to generalize; however; I would suggest that people may enter into this world for some of the following reasons (list is no exhaustive):

To find a sense of belonging

To understand themselves and their desires, fetishes, paraphilias (again what is normal changes over time) at a deeper level

To be accepted for who they are

To find love and companionship

To be able to act upon their desires etc in a safe way

To embrace the dualistic side of their nature e.g., a CEO who likes to be dominated and humiliated by a woman

Enjoy a sense of relief, pain or sensory pleasure

To develop trust with others

To work on personal issues

Speaking personally, I have a sadistic side. I love inflicting consensual pain on other people. This activity benefits both me and the personal receiving it. For me, I love that I get to live as a powerful woman who can subjugate men and women, I get delight out of watching how their bodies move, their facial expressions, and listening to their sounds. What is also beneficial is that I have the capacity to push people’s boundaries and help them develop as individuals, and I also love being able to give people what they enjoy/need which meets a nurturing element of my personality. The practice of shibari can be viewed through the same lens, as the rigger provides the rope bunny with an opportunity to relax, push their physical limits, enjoy subspace, and relinquish control. Meanwhile, the rigger benefits from developing their skills, focusing, gaining knowledge of their bunny's body, and providing a safe space for them.

How important is communication in BDSM and Shibari, particularly in maintaining emotional and mental well-being?

As a therapist I always talked about communication (pardon the pun) as being one of the foundations of any relationship and the Shibari/BDSM community is no different. Speaking as a Domme/Mistress I have a duty of care not only to my subs but also to myself.

As an example, I love breath play and this involves an enhanced level of communication and understanding especially if the other person is unable to speak or I can’t see their facial expressions because of a mask. If I have had a bad day and I am not emotionally or psychologically in the right headspace to engage in this experience it is essential to adhere to my boundaries. I may disappoint them but I must look after myself and the other person and I am not willing to risk their physical health, my emotional well-being, or a "relationship" out of a sense of obligation. I will always respectfully communicate what is going on for me and I expect the same level of communication in return. Self-care is imperative for everyone. If any participant does not feel comfortable with any aspect of a dynamic—whether it is being tied or spanked—then that person (bunny/sub) needs to communicate this to the other person. As a Domme I will take timeout for my own selfcare and I will always tell my subs if I am “disappearing” for a few days so that they are not concerned about me; mutual respect is essential.

Based on your experience, how does the BDSM community approach mental health, and are there common psychological traits among participants?

I think there is often a notion that everyone on the BDSM is broken and must have psychological problems to engage in some of the acts they do. I do not think this is helpful and I do not think that generalizing pathologies across a diverse community is useful either. However, I have concerns as most people probably don’t consider mental health, have the expertise to identify psychological issues or the capability to manage them.

In the past I was a Domme for an ex-army interrogator in Iraq. He relished very unusual preferences

and I was able to provide a safe space for him to participate in these. There were indications that this person was suffering from PTSD and some of his sexual preferences were bordering on illegal so I recommended that he seek psychological help. I not only had a duty of care to him and myself but to the community at large. This person was more of an anomaly within the BDSM community.

Personally, I would say that generally people demonstrate personal characteristics such as:

1. highly extroverted

2. open to new experiences

3. more conscientious about themselves and others

4. less likely to agree to something that does not align with their needs or values, all of which support good mental health.

The people I have interacted with do not tend to exhibit a strong need for the approval, and often speak more positively about their relationships and attachments which emanates from the enhanced levels of communication required to sustain safe and health practices.

In your view, what are the psychological foundations of a safe and positive BDSM experience?

Initially, I think that the most important consideration for anyone entering the BDSM world is to honestly reflect upon their mental and emotional health e.g. are they currently suffering from trauma or have they any unresolved traumatic experiences from the past that potentially may be triggered by specific activities. If a person has a strong desire to enjoy BDSM activities but has concerns about their previous life experiences I would always recommend that they speak to a mental health professional first. If necessary, work through the trauma and then when there is mutual agreement with their mental health provider start to experiment with less triggering activities utilizing the support of their mental health professional.

I would suggest that to benefit from a safe and positive BDSM experience it helps if the person:

Is supportive of others

Is respectful

Is curious

Shows gratitude

Is polite

Leaves their ego at the door

Has a sense of fun and good sense of humour

Asks questions if they don’t understand something

Supportive of others

Shows kindness by taking care of others

Non-judgemental

Do you believe BDSM can have therapeutic benefits? If so, in what ways?

Yes I believe that BDSM can have therapeutic benefits. If we look at something as simple as a consensual flogging session between a couple what happens during this session?

The couple have the chance to spend quality time together

They bond over a shared experience

Enhanced level of trust develops

Communications skills are strengthened

Submissive receives pleasure ↔ Domme gets to give pleasure

One an individual level for example, shibari may help someone to overcome control issues and help then to relinquish it safely to another. BDSM activities may help another person to integrate an

aspect of their personality that may have struggled with such as being a masochist. I especially believe that BDSM can help people process issues and trauma in a safe environment, but in some cases professional help from a psychologist will be the best course of action.

From a global perspective, how do different cultures perceive BDSM and Shibari, and how does that shape people’s emotional and psychological connection to it?

I am not able to answer this questions as I do not think it is helpful to generalize about other cultures

when I do not have enough experience or understanding of how they perceive BDSM/Shibari. Again, there will always be different perspectives held by people within those cultures. I think that Gillan Anderson’s book Want has helped to demystify women’s sexual fantasies and I really appreciate that women from different countries and cultures around the world have been able to write about their fantasies and have them included. Books like this help to remove the stigma people, and especially women can face within the sex, BDSM/Shibari (fantasy) sphere and it aids normalize all facets of sexuality.

What guidance would you offer to someone who is curious about exploring BDSM or Shibari in a healthy and fulfilling way?

I think reading books written by people within the community can be a safe starting place for anyone who wishes no know more. There is also academic research if people have that level of interest. I would suggest joining an online community such as Fetlife which provides information about different groups, educational and social events covering all aspects of BDSM and Shibari etc.

Once the person feels more confident, I would advise going to an event. Often, it is possible to chat with the organizers before the event and if the person is a little nervous, I would suggest going with a friend. It is perfectly acceptable to attend events as a VOYEUR to see if shibari or BDSM is really for them. You do not have to play or be tied and always remember NO MEANS NO. If they do want to try something, I would observe how the other person interacts with people, I would talk to them and see if you think there is a match in your both of your needs and expectations, discuss boundaries and limits and safe words, and aftercare. If going to meet a person you met online, meet in a public place after talking on the phone, and if possible, tell a friend where you are going and with who.

Never let anyone coerce you into going beyond your limits. ASK QUESTIONS! I know all of this sounds super serious but once you have established safe foundations BDSM/shibari experiences can be transformative, life affirming, sexually liberating, insightful, nurturing, healing, delicious and most of all a lot of FUN!

How has the rise of social media and online communities influenced the way people engage with BDSM and Shibari?

Generally speaking, society still often portrays people in the BDSM community as perverts, freaks, psychologically disturbed, and or sexual predators. I think, and hope that over time and with the right education, open dialogue, and BDSM and shibari being more visible these misconceptions of

both the people and their actions will dissipate.

Seeing series such a Sex Education and Bonding on Netflix has been bloody marvellous. These series have taken want has been considered taboo and deviant and has helped to normalize sexuality, BDSM, and removed the stigma of what has previously been considered deviant and abhorrent practices. I know some people may think these shows are sensationalist but as someone who paid for her MSc in Forensic Psychology by working as a Dominatrix I can say that they aren’t that far from the truth :) :) I think that as a result of these series more people are talking openly about BDSM etc over coffee/dinner.

I think social media and online communities have a responsibility for their content and the online safety of their members but the fact that we not have such sites gives me hope. Online communities provide the opportunity for people to learn about themselves, their fetishes, skills etc within a supportive environment. People, who in the past would have been ostracized from society, seen as abnormal and who may have engaged in unsafe practices to meet their needs, can find a welcoming, safe and encouraging community both online and in person.